This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
