gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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