I only kidnapped one of them. chill
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
His nipple licking is glorious
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