I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
