Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
