fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
