wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
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we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
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I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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