I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
