i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Randomize
