Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
