I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
