Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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