The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
