Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
