Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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