it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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