And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
