my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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