i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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