i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
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in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
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I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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