textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
