All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
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