my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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