Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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