Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
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I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
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