John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
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