I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
