I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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