Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
