I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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