She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
