at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
