if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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