No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
