Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
