Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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