Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
