Just fell off a train. Bad.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
