so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
