i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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