The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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