I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
