apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Dignity is for republicans.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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