is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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