I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
