I heard we made out
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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