just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Every concussion has its silver lining
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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