Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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