chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
