non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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