so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
