They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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