Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
