I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
