she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
