i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am