Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.