Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Where is the hickey?
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
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BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
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i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.