i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.