Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We talked him into tasing himself.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
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