talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize