I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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