Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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